


Vomitmort

by the_klawwww



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24485956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_klawwww/pseuds/the_klawwww
Summary: What if Dumbledore crowdsourced his plan to defeat Voldemort?
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 10
Kudos: 41





	Vomitmort

“And that’s everything I know,” finished Dumbledore from his seat at staff table in the Great Hall. “Voldemort will probably be here in an hour or so, who’s got any ideas?” He scanned all the faces staring at him, many with their mouths open. Hermione raised her hand. Dumbledore looked pleased, “Ah, I should’ve known you’d speak up first Ms. Granger, please share what you’ve got.”

“Professor Dumbledore, I have no idea how to defeat Voldemort, but I have about 10,000 questions.”

“Nope, not helpful, anyone else?”

Draco was busy staring at Potter, his mind racing. This could be his way out, he didn’t have to become a death eater. He’d have to go along with whatever plan the students came up with so as not to blow his “cover.” Naturally, he’d pretend to attempt to sabotage their efforts, but You-Know-Who would never know. And best of all, he could finally prove to Harry that he deserved to get into the boy who lived’s pants. Maybe Draco would even consider wearing something other than skin tight leather pants for an easier taking them off experience. Perhaps leather hammer pants?

“Yes Ms. Weasley?” asked Dumbledore.

“My dad recently discovered a fascinating muggle object called a ‘water gun.’ Apparently muggles use it to kill each other, Voldemort would never expect that,” said Ginny. 

Draco rolled his eyes, closed them to block everyone out, and thought to himself, _what if he could come up with a plan that solved both his problems at once_?

Dumbledore scoffed and said, “Preposterous, a muggle object could never kill him. Anyone else? Ah, Mr. Weasley, do share.”

“George’ll distract and disorient him with some fireworks, while I get real close and shove a puking pastille down his throat. He’ll be so busy vomiting, Harry could probably just kick him to death,” suggested Fred.

“No I got one better,” said George. “We float mistletoe above his head. That snake of his is always wrapped around his shoulders, so they’d be forced to kiss and the snake would bite him to death.”

Dumbledore looked thoughtful. “( **A/N: picture Dumbledore singing the following italics in Doris Day’s voice** ) _Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps_ Mr. and Mr. Weasley.”

Draco’s eyes flew open. He got it! He prepared himself mentally to charge at Potter, happily returning to staring at him. Now all he had to do was wait for the right moment.

“I’ve got an idea,” drawled Snape. “If I attack Potter with the cruciatus cure when the death eaters arrive, they’ll be too busy laughing to launch their attack. Then someone could stab The Dark Lord. It’s sure to work.” Snape paused to smile. “I might even enjoy my time with a student for once.” Draco watched Harry glare intensely at Snape, while Ron started to yell obscenities. Hermione had pulled out her wand under the Gryffindor table.

“I’m sure you’d enjoy that immensely Severus, but sacrificing underaged wizards for the greater good is generally frowned upon. By the general population I mean, you know I’m all for sacrifices.” Dumbledore had to shout slightly to be heard over Ron. “Mr. Weasley that is enough, we all know what you think of Professor Snape.”

Luna had been patiently waiting with her hand raised and Dumbledore asked her to speak. “I’m friends with a few vampires in the Forbidden Forest. They’re all vegan of course, but I might be able to convince one of them to turn Voldemort into a vampire. Then if the house elves in the kitchens make lots of garlicky food, we could all throw it at him until he burns to a pile of ashes.”

“What. The hell. Is a vegan vampire?” asked Dumbledore.

“Oh, I told them all about how drinking human blood is actually harmful for them. There have been multiple articles about it in the Quibbler, I’m surprised you don’t know this Professor Dumbledore. Ever since then, I’ve been brewing them synthetic blood potions. They’ve taken quite a liking to my blueberry flavored one.”

“Well. That’s an idea. By the most technical definition of one.” Dumbledore sighed and rested his head in his hands. Soft whooshing noises started to float into the Great Hall through the windows. “Oh great, Voldemort and the death eaters are here, and you have all failed to come up with a satisfactory plan to defeat them. Everyone gets a Troll in DADA this year.” The whooshing noises grew louder. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. Everyone try all their plans at once, maybe we’ll just confuse him to death.”

Draco stood up and shouted, “I know how to defeat him!” Then he took off at a sprint toward Harry, who watched his approach with wide eyes, clearly not sure what to expect. Just as Voldemort landed in the Great Hall and began to raise his wand, Draco reached Harry. He grabbed him by the back of his head and pulled him into a kiss. Draco was at first met with stiff lips, but then he felt hands reach up into his hair and Harry Potter was kissing him back! Draco moved his hands down to Harry’s waist to pull him closer as both their lips parted and they went at it with their tongues. Harry was confused why this had turned into a tongue wresting contest, and Draco was pretty sure this wasn’t how kissing was supposed to work, but neither wanted to pull away.

They were both oblivious to everyone staring, to Ron fainting, and to what looked like a rather queasy expression forming on Voldemort’s face. “The… the love! It’s… it’s… it’s too powerful! And between a Malfoy and Harry Potter! I can’t take this!” Voldemort shouted before he started throwing up. Students, teachers, and death eaters all scrambled away as it quickly turned into projectile vomiting. It wouldn’t cease, and kept getting more and more aggressive. Suddenly a small blob shot out of his mouth. It looked vaguely like an appendix. Soon there was also a kidney sitting on the increasing pool of vomit, then a liver, then a lung. Voldemort fell onto his knees, visibly shrinking before their eyes as his organs exited his body. In a few short minutes there was nothing left but a small pile of organs sitting next to a Voldemort skin suit.

Dumbledore applauded and said, “I’ve changed my mind, everybody gets a T in DADA except Mr. Malfoy!”

Harry and Draco were too busy making out (they were starting to get the hang of it now) to notice any of this.


End file.
